I'm not really into politics, but I love to stick my oar in with a good idea or two.
One thing that's bugged me in recent years is the traffic in the UK. Even as recently as ten years ago, I remember driving back up the M3 from one of my many Southampton gigs, and passing maybe three or four cars on the way back. Now it seems that the roads are busy at all times of the day - the country simply has too many people on the road.
The government's solution: charge more for motoring, build more roads, and tell people to take an overpriced public transport system. Brilliant.
My method would be to look at the cause. Too many cars. Why? Too many people driving. So why not tackle that instead? For starters, there are far too many drivers on the road who shouldn't be. You can still drive at 90 years old having taken your test more than 70 years ago (1938!) with nothing more than an eye examination. My dad is legally entitled to drive a truck. His test was taken during National Service, and involved driving a truck along a road into the nearest town. A Corporal turned the truck around for him, and my dad hopped back in the cab and drove back - that was it. Passed with flying colours. Even tests taken as recently as ten years ago bear little relation to today's driving conditions, and still today driving tests don't include motorway or night driving! Unbelievable.
So, policy number one - introduce compulsory driving tests every five years. If you're a good driver, you have nothing to fear. If you're a bad driver, you deserve to fail your test and get off the road.
So that's got rid of a good 10% or so of our drivers off the road. What next? Well, what about looking at why people are driving? I love nothing more than a spin round the country lanes on a Sunday afternoon, but that's my choice. Some people have to drive to work, so increasing prices won't have any effect on them at all.
Instead, what about offering companies tax incentives to get a certain percentage of their workforce working from home one day a week? My company offers this, and far from a loss in productivity, it boosts morale and people work harder with less distractions. In this age of technological wizardry, there are very few excuses for people driving to an office every day.
So there you have it - get bad drivers off the road, and get people to work from home. All sounds a bit simple really doesn't it?
Thursday, 19 June 2008
Fuzz
Navel fuzz, belly-button fluff - whetever you want to call it. "Isn't it weird how it's always blue?" you hear the less imaginative and the dim-witted folk say.
Well, I would have thought that anyone with eyes and more than three brain cells could tell that it's not always blue, it's not the colour of your socks, and it doesn't depend on what day of the week it is.
Get over it.
Well, I would have thought that anyone with eyes and more than three brain cells could tell that it's not always blue, it's not the colour of your socks, and it doesn't depend on what day of the week it is.
Get over it.
I've got the power
In these eco-days of ours, with all sorts of trouble on the horizon for our planet, we're all trying to do our little bit for the environment. However, there's one thing I've never understood, and that's turning all the plug sockets off when you're not using them.
In my first year of college, I stayed in a family home and the whole family, far ahead of themselves ecologically, had what can only be described as an obsession with switching all the plug sockets to 'off' when they weren't being used.
Now, I'm not entirely stupid. I fully understand that that a TV on standby will use energy, as will a phone left on charge all night - the energy is clearly evident in the heat produced by both of these. I do have a limited grasp of Physics, and my understanding is that energy doesn't just go into thin air - it has to be transformed into something. Heat, light, sound, movement for instance.
My question is this - where is the energy going from a toaster left plugged into the mains? Surely that's not actually using energy, and there is therefore no reason to obsess about turning the switch off at the mains? Even more so for a plug socket with nothing plugged into it.
If all the sockets in my house are using energy by just being there, then surely I'm better off switching my whole house off when I leave for work in the morning?
In my first year of college, I stayed in a family home and the whole family, far ahead of themselves ecologically, had what can only be described as an obsession with switching all the plug sockets to 'off' when they weren't being used.
Now, I'm not entirely stupid. I fully understand that that a TV on standby will use energy, as will a phone left on charge all night - the energy is clearly evident in the heat produced by both of these. I do have a limited grasp of Physics, and my understanding is that energy doesn't just go into thin air - it has to be transformed into something. Heat, light, sound, movement for instance.
My question is this - where is the energy going from a toaster left plugged into the mains? Surely that's not actually using energy, and there is therefore no reason to obsess about turning the switch off at the mains? Even more so for a plug socket with nothing plugged into it.
If all the sockets in my house are using energy by just being there, then surely I'm better off switching my whole house off when I leave for work in the morning?
Thursday, 5 June 2008
How do you like yours?
How do you like your steak? Medium? Still bleeding? Or cooked to a crisp? Whichever way you like it is the correct way for you, and no-one can convince you otherwise. Well, I think so, but it seems not evryone agrees.
I was in a restaurant recently - it's a bit quirky and serves 'gamey' sort of stuff - and the ostrich on the menu caught my eye. I've had it once before and loved it, so was excited about having it again - well, as excited as one can be about dead bird on a plate.
When it came to ordering I asked for the ostrich, and asked for it to be done "medium well". After all, that's how I like my food. Cooked.
"I'm sorry sir," said the waiter, "but we only serve the ostrich medium rare."
"Ok," I said " please can you ask the chef to do mine medium well - that's how I like it"
"I'm afraid that's not possible, we only serve it medium rare".
And that's it - my dining experience ruined within minutes of sitting down. I'm sorry, but who are you or your chef to tell me how I should have my food? You're serving me and I'm paying for it godammit. Don't pretend that 'that's the way it should be cooked' because it should be cooked how I like it. It seems these days that chefs concentrate on food being prepared in a certain way, and that no other way is acceptable.
A couple of years back, I had these concerns when we sat down with the chef who was going to cook the food for our wedding. After all, he was a chef with 10 years experience at the Dorchester under his belt - he was bound to cook things 'the way they should be cooked'. How refreshing then, when he asked me how we should do the lamb. A bit sheepishly (pun intended), I replied that I actually like it fairly well done. "Excellent!" he said "I love my meat well done - that's how my mum used to do it, and that's the way I like it."
So there's my vindication right there. I used to have tomato ketchup sandwiches when I got in from school - in my opinion they're great, and if you've never tried one then you're really in no position to comment otherwise. I once knew a guy who used to love a plate of mashed potato with a tin of Heinz tomato soup poured over the top. Never tried it myself - but hey, whatever rocks his boat.
My point is - whatever you like/don't like, that's fine. But none of us should dictate what others' tastes 'should be' as defined by convention. Eat what you want, how you want it!
I was in a restaurant recently - it's a bit quirky and serves 'gamey' sort of stuff - and the ostrich on the menu caught my eye. I've had it once before and loved it, so was excited about having it again - well, as excited as one can be about dead bird on a plate.
When it came to ordering I asked for the ostrich, and asked for it to be done "medium well". After all, that's how I like my food. Cooked.
"I'm sorry sir," said the waiter, "but we only serve the ostrich medium rare."
"Ok," I said " please can you ask the chef to do mine medium well - that's how I like it"
"I'm afraid that's not possible, we only serve it medium rare".
And that's it - my dining experience ruined within minutes of sitting down. I'm sorry, but who are you or your chef to tell me how I should have my food? You're serving me and I'm paying for it godammit. Don't pretend that 'that's the way it should be cooked' because it should be cooked how I like it. It seems these days that chefs concentrate on food being prepared in a certain way, and that no other way is acceptable.
A couple of years back, I had these concerns when we sat down with the chef who was going to cook the food for our wedding. After all, he was a chef with 10 years experience at the Dorchester under his belt - he was bound to cook things 'the way they should be cooked'. How refreshing then, when he asked me how we should do the lamb. A bit sheepishly (pun intended), I replied that I actually like it fairly well done. "Excellent!" he said "I love my meat well done - that's how my mum used to do it, and that's the way I like it."
So there's my vindication right there. I used to have tomato ketchup sandwiches when I got in from school - in my opinion they're great, and if you've never tried one then you're really in no position to comment otherwise. I once knew a guy who used to love a plate of mashed potato with a tin of Heinz tomato soup poured over the top. Never tried it myself - but hey, whatever rocks his boat.
My point is - whatever you like/don't like, that's fine. But none of us should dictate what others' tastes 'should be' as defined by convention. Eat what you want, how you want it!
Thursday, 22 May 2008
Morton's Fork
Something we've seen a lot of over the last decade is self-important smugness of voters. " I voted, therefore only I am allowed to have any opinion on the current government/London Mayor/local candidate*" *delete as applicable.
I cannot believe that intelligent people - and I count politicians among them - still think it's correct to say "If you didn't vote, then you have no right to complain". This is categorically wrong.
It's a situation known as Morton's Fork - where you have a limited number of options, all of which have a similar, undesirable outcome. If you ask me which of my hands I want chopped off, the answer would be neither. If you ask me which political party to vote for, the answer would be none of them. My abstention is my vote.
I cannot believe that intelligent people - and I count politicians among them - still think it's correct to say "If you didn't vote, then you have no right to complain". This is categorically wrong.
It's a situation known as Morton's Fork - where you have a limited number of options, all of which have a similar, undesirable outcome. If you ask me which of my hands I want chopped off, the answer would be neither. If you ask me which political party to vote for, the answer would be none of them. My abstention is my vote.
Terms and Conditions Apply
I listen to a fair bit of commercial radio - I think I'm too old to listen to ragga house on Radio 1, and I'm not quite ready to give up on new music altogether and listen to comedy on Radio 4 (although I very much look forward to this day in a funny sort of way).
So I listen to Virgin Radio, which seems to tick most of the boxes on my requirements list. However, as with any commercial radio station, you are bombarded with ads every 5 mins. Now, working in advertising myself, I can understand the need for this - I get to listen to good tunes and reasonable DJs for free. Nice.
Except it's gone too far. To make sure the message gets across, the same advertisements are repeated relentlessly until you can recite them all word for word. Even worse than this is that approximately 15 seconds of every 30 second advert tells me that 'terms and conditions apply, the offer is only available to residents of the UK, and your home is at risk if you do not keep up repayments on a mortgage or other loan secured on it'. Can't we just all assume that this is the case for every advert? It would save us all a lot of time and repetition. I nearly gave myself RSI just typing it out.
That was going to be my point, but radio advertising has reached new lows. My friendly DJ was the other day doing a little fill about his favourite films from the 80s, and even getting people to text in with theirs. Pretty lame, but a nice trip down memory lane nonetheless, and I was sucked in. He then started telling us about how films these days just aren't up to scratch for the most part, except the one he got out last night on DVD which was absolutely brilliant - Ratatouille or something. Oooh, I thought, that sounds good, must get that out.
Now bear in mind that this whole charade had been going on for about 20 mins, and I had formed some sort of trust in this guy's opinion. Then, and only then, does he come out with the clanger. That they just happen to be doing a promotion for this DVD, and the bond of trust was nothing but a scam. I felt violated. I thought we were friends. But no, I'm just another monkey punter. So now when they tell me their funny stories, I'm always waiting for the advertorial - it's always there.
Finally, I have to tell you about Magners Cider, who have really outdone themselves. For this Bank Holiday, they have bought up every single advertising slot on Virgin Radio, and are not playing any of the ads. This means we all get to listen to more music right? Well, you'd think so, wouldn't you? But what we get now is a non-commercial from Magners telling us that the Bank Holiday is commercial free. Genius. Here's a punch in the face to show you I'm not going to punch you in the face.
So I listen to Virgin Radio, which seems to tick most of the boxes on my requirements list. However, as with any commercial radio station, you are bombarded with ads every 5 mins. Now, working in advertising myself, I can understand the need for this - I get to listen to good tunes and reasonable DJs for free. Nice.
Except it's gone too far. To make sure the message gets across, the same advertisements are repeated relentlessly until you can recite them all word for word. Even worse than this is that approximately 15 seconds of every 30 second advert tells me that 'terms and conditions apply, the offer is only available to residents of the UK, and your home is at risk if you do not keep up repayments on a mortgage or other loan secured on it'. Can't we just all assume that this is the case for every advert? It would save us all a lot of time and repetition. I nearly gave myself RSI just typing it out.
That was going to be my point, but radio advertising has reached new lows. My friendly DJ was the other day doing a little fill about his favourite films from the 80s, and even getting people to text in with theirs. Pretty lame, but a nice trip down memory lane nonetheless, and I was sucked in. He then started telling us about how films these days just aren't up to scratch for the most part, except the one he got out last night on DVD which was absolutely brilliant - Ratatouille or something. Oooh, I thought, that sounds good, must get that out.
Now bear in mind that this whole charade had been going on for about 20 mins, and I had formed some sort of trust in this guy's opinion. Then, and only then, does he come out with the clanger. That they just happen to be doing a promotion for this DVD, and the bond of trust was nothing but a scam. I felt violated. I thought we were friends. But no, I'm just another monkey punter. So now when they tell me their funny stories, I'm always waiting for the advertorial - it's always there.
Finally, I have to tell you about Magners Cider, who have really outdone themselves. For this Bank Holiday, they have bought up every single advertising slot on Virgin Radio, and are not playing any of the ads. This means we all get to listen to more music right? Well, you'd think so, wouldn't you? But what we get now is a non-commercial from Magners telling us that the Bank Holiday is commercial free. Genius. Here's a punch in the face to show you I'm not going to punch you in the face.
Thursday, 15 May 2008
What's My Name Again?
There's one thing in particular that, for me, fuels an instant dislike of someone. A self-imposed nickname. Example:
"Hi, I'm Dobbo, nice to meet you."
"Excuse me? Gobbo?"
"Dobbo - my surname's Dobson, but everyone calls me Dobbo."
Well, not strictly true -people only call you Dobbo because you insist on introducing yourself as that, in an effort to make yourself sound more interesting. Most likely you're ashamed of being someone ordinary like Keith or Colin, and are well aware that your 'personality' is so weak that you need something to divert attention away from it.
The side effect of this is to impose non-names on other people. These days I can just about cope with being referred to as 'mate', but I cringe at 'pal', 'fella', 'big man', 'geezer' and especially 'son'. My parents probably thought long and hard about what name to give me - at least call me something derived from that, and not something a market trader would shout at me from across the street.
"Hi, I'm Dobbo, nice to meet you."
"Excuse me? Gobbo?"
"Dobbo - my surname's Dobson, but everyone calls me Dobbo."
Well, not strictly true -people only call you Dobbo because you insist on introducing yourself as that, in an effort to make yourself sound more interesting. Most likely you're ashamed of being someone ordinary like Keith or Colin, and are well aware that your 'personality' is so weak that you need something to divert attention away from it.
The side effect of this is to impose non-names on other people. These days I can just about cope with being referred to as 'mate', but I cringe at 'pal', 'fella', 'big man', 'geezer' and especially 'son'. My parents probably thought long and hard about what name to give me - at least call me something derived from that, and not something a market trader would shout at me from across the street.
Spice Of Life
I'm here to tell you now that it is totally unnecessary to use any of the following in cooking:
- bay leaves
- cardimon pods
- cloves
- 'tea bags' full of spices
I hate nothing more that munching on a tasty bowl of curry and then - *bleurrrgh* - crunching into a cardimon pod and having my taste buds violated by such an intense burst of bitterness. And are you really telling me you can taste the difference between a stew with a solitary bay leaf in it, and one without? I seriously doubt it.
If you must use any of this rubbish, surely all of these are available in powder form - or is it just because that's how Jamie and Gordon do it? Hmm, thought so.
- bay leaves
- cardimon pods
- cloves
- 'tea bags' full of spices
I hate nothing more that munching on a tasty bowl of curry and then - *bleurrrgh* - crunching into a cardimon pod and having my taste buds violated by such an intense burst of bitterness. And are you really telling me you can taste the difference between a stew with a solitary bay leaf in it, and one without? I seriously doubt it.
If you must use any of this rubbish, surely all of these are available in powder form - or is it just because that's how Jamie and Gordon do it? Hmm, thought so.
Strike Out
I'm always one to simplify things I don't understand, much to the frustration of the people involved in the issue at hand. However, I find the simplified version often makes a lot more sense. So please correct me if I'm wrong here.
I have an office job for which I don't have a 'union' representing me. If I don't like the way they treat me, my pay or any other aspect of my job I have two choices. Stay or leave.
Why then, do employees who are members of unions have a third option - strike? In my simplistic view of the world - you either put up or shut up. Vote with your feet - leave if you don't like it. Surely if you leave you are employable somewhere else, and if not, that's not your employer's fault is it? That's down to your career choice - and choice is something we all have.
I have an office job for which I don't have a 'union' representing me. If I don't like the way they treat me, my pay or any other aspect of my job I have two choices. Stay or leave.
Why then, do employees who are members of unions have a third option - strike? In my simplistic view of the world - you either put up or shut up. Vote with your feet - leave if you don't like it. Surely if you leave you are employable somewhere else, and if not, that's not your employer's fault is it? That's down to your career choice - and choice is something we all have.
The Bangles
I have an issue with - among many other songwriters - The Bangles. The crime here is sacrificing common sense for the sake of a rhyming lyric. See if you can spot the error:
"Just another manic Monday, wish it was Sunday, cos that's my funday."
Surely she'd better off wishing it was Friday night, then she'd have the whole of Saturday and Sunday to look forward to before her dreaded Monday? Of course not, because 'Friday night' doesn't rhyme with 'Monday' and 'funday'.
"Just another manic Monday, wish it was Sunday, cos that's my funday."
Surely she'd better off wishing it was Friday night, then she'd have the whole of Saturday and Sunday to look forward to before her dreaded Monday? Of course not, because 'Friday night' doesn't rhyme with 'Monday' and 'funday'.
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