I'm just about 6ft tall. Not unusual in this day and age. I think the average is something like 5'10" for a bloke and 5'6" for a girl. So why are all the cashpoints in the country built for midgets?
I can understand a row of three cash-machines having one slightly lower one for wheelchair users - of course I have no problem with that. But why all three of them? Surely we're disciminating against anyone over 4 foot tall?
Thursday, 25 September 2008
Pins
I don't buy new clothes that often. I generally can't be bothered to shop for the damn things, so much of my wardrobe is bought for me, which is fine.
However, it seems that on more than one occasion recently I have been in mortal danger from new clothes. You unwrap the cellophane from a shirt, or take the cardboard out of a polo-shirt, and slip it on. Ooooowwwww!
What sort of sadistic bastard puts those pins in the collars of shirts?
However, it seems that on more than one occasion recently I have been in mortal danger from new clothes. You unwrap the cellophane from a shirt, or take the cardboard out of a polo-shirt, and slip it on. Ooooowwwww!
What sort of sadistic bastard puts those pins in the collars of shirts?
Slow Slow Slow
My computer can probably calculate more sums in five seconds than I could in a lifetime. My sat-nav sifts through a million roads in a few seconds to plan my route. Even a digital watch can out-think me a hundred times over. We're surrounded by amazing technology of lightning speed, quite literally. So why does everything seem so slow?
My phone takes over a minute to 'restart', and my PC about the same. I have something like 4GB on my internet pipe, but pages sometimes still take 10 seconds to download. After pressing 'play', my DVD player thinks for about 20 seconds about whether it can be bothered to do anything about it. The cashpoint takes a fraction of a second to register each digit of my pin number, to the point that if I put it in too quickly it fails to recognise it.
So what's happening? Incredibly, it feels as though we are out-thinking these machines that are supposed to be the key to getting everything done faster, but instead seem to hold us up at every step of the way.
My phone takes over a minute to 'restart', and my PC about the same. I have something like 4GB on my internet pipe, but pages sometimes still take 10 seconds to download. After pressing 'play', my DVD player thinks for about 20 seconds about whether it can be bothered to do anything about it. The cashpoint takes a fraction of a second to register each digit of my pin number, to the point that if I put it in too quickly it fails to recognise it.
So what's happening? Incredibly, it feels as though we are out-thinking these machines that are supposed to be the key to getting everything done faster, but instead seem to hold us up at every step of the way.
Pirates Ahoy
Piracy. The bane of the music, film and software industries. They lose tens of millions of pounds/dollars a year in lost revenue due to people buying cheap duplicates of their products. But I have little sympathy.
First, in the 90s, the music industry stabbed itself in the foot by continuing to keep the price of CDs at a ridiculously inflated £15. Yes, we all know the cost of signing artists, recording albums and promoting records is high. But when your customers also know that the price of producing a CD with inlay etc is around 20 pence, they won't stand for it. Especially when you see how much record companies and artists make in profit. The record companies' arrogance was beyond belief.
So what happened? Well, companies like CD-Wow imported genuine CDs from Hong Kong for £9, and the market was forced to lower prices across the board. But it was too late. By then, users had got used to copying CDs, downloading them and CD sales had plummetted.
Then we look at the DVD industry. There was a time when you had to wait 6 months from when a film was out on DVD rental to when you could buy that same film on DVD. Is it any suprise that people were copying them when there was such huge demand?
Now this problem has been solved with simultaneous rental and buying releases for DVDs. But there's still a major issue. Firstly, let me explain that I'm not really into piracy - the quality isn't that great, you can get viruses on your PC and I can pretty much afford to buy/rent the DVDs I want. However, there's one thing which will turn my to piracy quicker than anything else - anything other than a film on my DVD.
I don't want trailers, I don't want copyright messages, and above all I don't want messages telling me not to buy pirate DVDs. Why are these messages there? I've just rented a genuine copy, so you're targeting the wrong person surely? At least let me skip through these messages, or I'll get myself a copy without them on. And the film company won't benefit from that at all.
First, in the 90s, the music industry stabbed itself in the foot by continuing to keep the price of CDs at a ridiculously inflated £15. Yes, we all know the cost of signing artists, recording albums and promoting records is high. But when your customers also know that the price of producing a CD with inlay etc is around 20 pence, they won't stand for it. Especially when you see how much record companies and artists make in profit. The record companies' arrogance was beyond belief.
So what happened? Well, companies like CD-Wow imported genuine CDs from Hong Kong for £9, and the market was forced to lower prices across the board. But it was too late. By then, users had got used to copying CDs, downloading them and CD sales had plummetted.
Then we look at the DVD industry. There was a time when you had to wait 6 months from when a film was out on DVD rental to when you could buy that same film on DVD. Is it any suprise that people were copying them when there was such huge demand?
Now this problem has been solved with simultaneous rental and buying releases for DVDs. But there's still a major issue. Firstly, let me explain that I'm not really into piracy - the quality isn't that great, you can get viruses on your PC and I can pretty much afford to buy/rent the DVDs I want. However, there's one thing which will turn my to piracy quicker than anything else - anything other than a film on my DVD.
I don't want trailers, I don't want copyright messages, and above all I don't want messages telling me not to buy pirate DVDs. Why are these messages there? I've just rented a genuine copy, so you're targeting the wrong person surely? At least let me skip through these messages, or I'll get myself a copy without them on. And the film company won't benefit from that at all.
Wednesday, 10 September 2008
D(isagreeable) F(urniture) S(ales)
DFS say they only have two sales a year. In that case they are absolute genuises at making it seem like only one sale that lasts a whole 12 months. Annoying.
On top of this, their lastest radio advert had the audacity to inform me that "Every sofa in our sale is reduced". Wow. What an amazing concept. You mean to say that all the sofas in the sale are discounted, instead of having sofas in the sale which are the same price as before?
As I said - genuises.
On top of this, their lastest radio advert had the audacity to inform me that "Every sofa in our sale is reduced". Wow. What an amazing concept. You mean to say that all the sofas in the sale are discounted, instead of having sofas in the sale which are the same price as before?
As I said - genuises.
You can't put a price on life
Really? Can we justify a multi-million pound rescue operation for some posh chump who's decided to capsize himself in the middle of an ocean just south of nowhere? Or should we just donate the equivalent amount of money to a worthy charity in his memory?
Round of Applause
Applause. Sometimes I'm clapping and I look around at the people clapping with me and I wonder what the hell we're doing.
I mean, it's such an effort and it always seems to go on too long. Looking around at my fellow clappers, it seems that not that many people seem particularly happy about having to do it (apart from one or two smart arses who have to have the last or the loudest clap), and we're only doing it because social convention tells us it's the right thing to do.
Now don't get me wrong - I'll happily applaud or stick my fingers in my mouth and whistle loudly if I've seen something truly great. But if you ask yourself how often this happens, it's extremely rare. These days we clap when someone at work does a presentation, when we see a mediocre stage show or a crap band at our local pub. The Americans, gawd bless 'em, even applaud the pilot when a plane lands without bursting into flames. "Yey, we're all alive!"
Does the Captain hear this applause and turn to his co-pilot "Your hear that buddy? High five! Soak it up baby, yeah!! We landed the plane so well, they love us back there! Not like Jim the other day - smashed right into the terminal building and didn't even get a ripple of applause. Loser."
I doubt the Captain hears the applause over the roar of the jet engines on full reverse thrust. In the same way actors can't hear you applaud them when you're in the cinema. Think about it doofus - you're clapping at a projected image on a screen.
So, clapping unnecessarily is annoying for most of us. But for me there's something worse than that. When the show is over, we are all clapping - for what seems like forever. The cast are taking their bows, and we're still clapping. This is when some bright spark at the front decides that standing up and clapping is a much better way to show his appreciation. "Look at me everyone, I appreciate these outstanding performers more than you, and unless you all stand up with me then you're a bunch of socially inadequate cabbages". So we all stand up. And continue clapping until our hands bleed.
If you must clap, how about we limit any applause to five claps per person? Even better, I propose that we adopt the deaf community's way of showing appreciaton - they wave their hands in the air. At least we'd all look like we're enjoying ourselves.
I mean, it's such an effort and it always seems to go on too long. Looking around at my fellow clappers, it seems that not that many people seem particularly happy about having to do it (apart from one or two smart arses who have to have the last or the loudest clap), and we're only doing it because social convention tells us it's the right thing to do.
Now don't get me wrong - I'll happily applaud or stick my fingers in my mouth and whistle loudly if I've seen something truly great. But if you ask yourself how often this happens, it's extremely rare. These days we clap when someone at work does a presentation, when we see a mediocre stage show or a crap band at our local pub. The Americans, gawd bless 'em, even applaud the pilot when a plane lands without bursting into flames. "Yey, we're all alive!"
Does the Captain hear this applause and turn to his co-pilot "Your hear that buddy? High five! Soak it up baby, yeah!! We landed the plane so well, they love us back there! Not like Jim the other day - smashed right into the terminal building and didn't even get a ripple of applause. Loser."
I doubt the Captain hears the applause over the roar of the jet engines on full reverse thrust. In the same way actors can't hear you applaud them when you're in the cinema. Think about it doofus - you're clapping at a projected image on a screen.
So, clapping unnecessarily is annoying for most of us. But for me there's something worse than that. When the show is over, we are all clapping - for what seems like forever. The cast are taking their bows, and we're still clapping. This is when some bright spark at the front decides that standing up and clapping is a much better way to show his appreciation. "Look at me everyone, I appreciate these outstanding performers more than you, and unless you all stand up with me then you're a bunch of socially inadequate cabbages". So we all stand up. And continue clapping until our hands bleed.
If you must clap, how about we limit any applause to five claps per person? Even better, I propose that we adopt the deaf community's way of showing appreciaton - they wave their hands in the air. At least we'd all look like we're enjoying ourselves.
Friday, 1 August 2008
Making Your Mind Up
I struggle to understand some people's decisions, but I think I'm fairly tolerant as long as what they do doesn't harm anyone. However, I'm having trouble getting my head round a recent event in the news - a pregnant man.
The background: a post-op transgender (woman to man) still has a womb and has become pregnant by artificial insemination.
Now, I can just about accept (although not quite understand) that someone might honestly believe that they have grown up in the wrong body. Whether this is mental or physical, I don't know and I wouldn't presume to judge. However, in this particular case I am stumped.
Let me get this straight. You're convinced you should be a man, so you've gone through the mental and physical trauma of changing your body to reflect this. Now you're technially a man - you look and sound like a man and you're finally in the body you feel comfortable with.
So what's the first thing you do as a man? Get pregnant of course - arguably the least masculine thing it's possible to do.
Jeez, make your mind up.
The background: a post-op transgender (woman to man) still has a womb and has become pregnant by artificial insemination.
Now, I can just about accept (although not quite understand) that someone might honestly believe that they have grown up in the wrong body. Whether this is mental or physical, I don't know and I wouldn't presume to judge. However, in this particular case I am stumped.
Let me get this straight. You're convinced you should be a man, so you've gone through the mental and physical trauma of changing your body to reflect this. Now you're technially a man - you look and sound like a man and you're finally in the body you feel comfortable with.
So what's the first thing you do as a man? Get pregnant of course - arguably the least masculine thing it's possible to do.
Jeez, make your mind up.
Wednesday, 23 July 2008
Football Fans
Arsenal (or any other club) Fan: New season starts in a few weeks
Chelsea (or any other club) Fan: Yeah, and your manager's shit.
Arsenal Fan: Well your manager's more shit, and some of your players are shit.
Chelsea Fan: Not only are your players shit, but they cost more than they should have. You was done.
Arsenal Fan: Yeah, but that tackle that one of your player's done was really shit. Should have got a red card.
Chelsea Fan: No way, he got the ball. And your goalie's shit.
Arsenal Fan: Ah, but isn't your manager being sacked? Because he's shit.
Chelsea Fan: No, but I know that one of your players is moving to different club. Cos your club's shit.
Arsenal Fan: I probably know more about football than you.
Chelsea Fan: I definitely know more about football than you. You're shit.
Arsenal Fan: I think I need a shit.
Chelsea Fan: Shit.
Chelsea (or any other club) Fan: Yeah, and your manager's shit.
Arsenal Fan: Well your manager's more shit, and some of your players are shit.
Chelsea Fan: Not only are your players shit, but they cost more than they should have. You was done.
Arsenal Fan: Yeah, but that tackle that one of your player's done was really shit. Should have got a red card.
Chelsea Fan: No way, he got the ball. And your goalie's shit.
Arsenal Fan: Ah, but isn't your manager being sacked? Because he's shit.
Chelsea Fan: No, but I know that one of your players is moving to different club. Cos your club's shit.
Arsenal Fan: I probably know more about football than you.
Chelsea Fan: I definitely know more about football than you. You're shit.
Arsenal Fan: I think I need a shit.
Chelsea Fan: Shit.
Monday, 21 July 2008
'Talk rapping'
Remember The Streets? Chances are you might do, as 5 years ago they (or rather he) was a big sensation - the most original talent out of whatever northern town was in favour at the time. With all the hype at the time I was going absolutely spare trying to convince his 'fans' that he was simply talking over music. "No, no," they used to tell me "He's really clever and that. His lyrics are really deep and he's so clever (innit)" Ok, set a drum beat going in your head, and say the following words over the top - don't sing or that would involve a tune.
"So when I looked at you standing there with your hoard,I was waiting in the queue looking at the board, Wondering whether to have a Burger or chips, Or what the shrapnel in my back pocket could afford, When I noticed out the corner of my eye, Looking toward my direction, Your eyes locked onto my course I couldn't concentrate on what I wanted to order, Which cost me my place in the queue I waited for YEAH , I'm not trying to pull you, Even though I would like toI think you are really fit, You're fit but my gosh don't you know it"
Genius huh? Now, can we all accept that simply having a conversation with yourself while a drum beat plays out in the background doesn't constitute talent. That goes for you too Kate Nash. Oh, and Lily Allen while I'm at it. Like The Streets, your days are numbered - make way for Rock And Roll!!! And pop music.
"So when I looked at you standing there with your hoard,I was waiting in the queue looking at the board, Wondering whether to have a Burger or chips, Or what the shrapnel in my back pocket could afford, When I noticed out the corner of my eye, Looking toward my direction, Your eyes locked onto my course I couldn't concentrate on what I wanted to order, Which cost me my place in the queue I waited for YEAH , I'm not trying to pull you, Even though I would like toI think you are really fit, You're fit but my gosh don't you know it"
Genius huh? Now, can we all accept that simply having a conversation with yourself while a drum beat plays out in the background doesn't constitute talent. That goes for you too Kate Nash. Oh, and Lily Allen while I'm at it. Like The Streets, your days are numbered - make way for Rock And Roll!!! And pop music.
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