Inside job.

A phrase carelessly banded about is "It's what's on the inside that counts". Is it really though? The way a person acts is often excused by this phrase, as if it's ok to be a complete bastard to people as long as actually, deep down, you're not a complete bastard. But there's a balancing point where what you do defines who you are, no matter what you are actually thinking inside your head.

I'll use myself as an example. I am fairly self-aware, and therefore I know that to complete strangers (and even people I've known for a long time), I can come across as arrogant, rude, laddish, annoying, selfish and inconsiderate. In actual fact these attributes don't really define me - I think my wife might be more likely to describe me as caring, modest, considerate and generous, and - naturally - this is how I would prefer to view myself. However, the issue is that unless I display these characteristics day to day, you'd have no way of knowing that they are 'the real me'. If you see someone who is arrogant and laddish, that's the reality for you, and therefore those are the defining characteristics - not 'what's on the inside'.

Sometimes I don't think before I speak - or rather I do think before I speak, but because I'm not offended by what I am about to say, I don't see why others should be. An example: A few years back we were discussing our wedding plans with a friend, and said that we weren't planning on doing the whole 'first dance' thing, where the bride and groom do a slow dance with all the guests watching. The phrase I used was that 'it's like a car crash' - you can't help staring, and it's very uncomfortable for all involved. Of course our friend, along with 90% of married couples, had had the 'first dance' at her wedding, and took my comments as a personal attack to mean that her entire wedding was like a car crash. Was that really my message? Of course not. Did it cause offence? Absolutely.

On the other hand imagine the most cantankerous person in the world. Hating everybody and having no respect for himself or anyone else. But hey, if you met him in the street and he was nice as pie you'd go away with a very favourable impression of him.

Oscar Wilde said: ‘It is only shallow people who do not judge by appearances.’ Barbara Cartland said: ‘I hate the type of boorish individual who, I am told, has hidden beneath such a rough surface a heart of gold. Quite frankly, I am a busy person and I have no time to dig’.

So it's perfectly clear to me that's it's most definitely not what's on the inside that counts, it's how people perceive you that makes the difference. You won't be thanked for what's going on inside your head. Instead, to quote the song at the end of Bugsy Malone "You're gonna be remembered for the things that you say and do".