Thursday, 23 July 2009

Speaka de Ingleesh?

One of the best things about going on holiday abroad is coming back. Everything's familiar, you understand all the signs, and you can communciate with everyone again - no more phrase books and sign language.

However, I have recently realised that this is not the case if you live or work in London. I had the sudden realisation the other day that hardly anyone I encounter during the day, apart from about 80% of my work colleagues, actually speaks English to any degree of comprehension.

Now, before I go on, don't take this as some racist 'they should all bugger off home' rant. It's not. I absolutely love the diversity in London, and it really is one of the key characteristics that makes it such a great city. Nor is it a rant about the change on our language - languages change all the time, and ours is no exception. It's just that it's becoming increasingly difficult to communicate with anyone in any kind of service position in central London.

From the moment I get to the station for my commute to work, the platform announcements and driver announcements are more often than not in some incomprehensible dialect of English. Ordering food at lunch is a trial, and you have to explain everything twice, and still the orders regularly come back wrong. Any restaurant, shop, or bar is almost exclusively run by non-English speakers. I popped into a newsagent the other day and asked if he had a Telegraph. "Of course, my friend," he said, and pointed me towards chewing gum.

Communicating in a foreign language is tiring - and that's effectively what we're having to do nowadays. But when each accent and dialect differs from the last, it's absolutely exhausting trying to keep up.

On a similar note, A Bangladeshi man who runs a small Post Office recently hit the headlines for insisting that all his customers communicate in English - despite it not being his first language, or theirs. When asked why he was insisting on this, he simply replied "Because we are living in England and the common language is English". If only it was that simple.

Half and Half

When talking about nationality, how would you describe yourself? English, Scottish, British, half-Irish? I describe myself as English, and I'm just coming round to the idea that the rest of the world doesn't acknowledge the individual countries in Britain, and therefore my nationality is actually British - to the point where the Americans talk about a 'British accent'. What a joke.

But I'm not here to discuss the differences between Great Britain, the United Kingdom, the British Isles, or whether Wales is actually a country or not (many refer to it as a region or a principality). No, I'm here to discuss nationality itself.

So back to my original question - I used to work with a girl who described herself as Italian. She was born in England, educated in England, and still lives and works in England. Her primary language is English and she betrays no trace of her Italian parentage. So I asked what makes her Italian? The answer, it seems is just down to choice. She is undeniably British in every way, but chooses to say she's Italian as it gives her a different sense of identity. Clearly she's not Italian, but if she feels Italian, then who am I to comment?

What I did think was particularly strange though was that she said her kids would be Italian. Errr...no. I'm sorry, but when you are born in a particular country, and both your parents were born in that country, there is absolutely no way you can claim nationality from another country altogether. By all means say you are of Italian descent, but even this has to stop somewhere. I, for instance, don't go around saying I am of Saxon descent, or go on about by Norman ancestors- but I'm sure somewhere up the line I could trace back to them.

My grandmother was born in Belgium, but think it's a bit of a stretch to say I am a quarter Belgian. Even more of a stretch for the Americans of New York to say they are full-blooded Irish. It's just a desperate attempt to have an identity different to your own - it's like when you were young and used to dress up as Superman. You are not Superman. Or Italian.

Feelin' Good

Simon Cowell recently did something charitable. He bought a dying girl a pony or something - I can't remember the details. What I do remember is what he is quoted as saying after the event: "I never thought being generous could feel so good". But isn't that the fundamental reason why anyone displays charitable behaviour?

Now, you may have gathered that I am a cynical bugger, and this is probably one of the most cynical theories there is. I once read in New Scientist that the only truly altruistic behaviour displayed by animals is the protection of their young - everything else is done for some sort of gain, whether emotional, social or tangible. And we are animals after all.

Take a simple example of helping an old lady across the road. Nothing to gain from that right? Just a good deed with no gain whatsoever. OK, well imagine if you didn't help the old lady across the road - you might experience all sorts of negative emotions such as guilt. I know I would. Particularly if she got mown down by the number 32 bus. So, the gain you are getting from helping someone is that you are feeling good about yourself. It's not tangible, but it's significant.

Giving a little money to charity each month gives you absolutely no return whatsoever. No thank you, no acknowledgement even. So why do we do it? Not because 'it's the right thing to do', or because 'there are those less fortunate than ourselves'. these aren't reasons - they are facts. We do it because it absolves us of just a little bit of the guilt that comes from being in a better position than someone else, and therefore means we can sleep a little better at night.

It's all part of the social order - we are social animals and society dictates certain codes of practice. Being 'good' comes with social rewards and helps us fit in more with those around us - there is a distinct advantage in this in that we don't end up alone in a bedsit watching Friends on repeat.

Yes, call me cynical - but try and think of one example where you have done something out of the goodness of your heart without feeling good about it, without it being what society 'expects' you to do and without it lessening the burden of guilt that would come from not doing it.

Wednesday, 22 July 2009

Caring Corporations

Since when has a corporation, or even a small company, been capable of 'caring'? I can make a connection with charities and caring for the people they support, but not a large, profit-making company. A company is an entity incapable of emotion or compassion - only individuals within that company can 'care' about causes. The cynical side of me, therefore, finds it hard to believe their motivation behind certain 'green' initiatives.

Of particular note are hotel chains who 'care for the environment' so much, that they'd like us to re-use our bedsheets and bath towels for our entire stay, in order that we save the planet. And this would have no correlation with saving them thousands of pounds in laundry bills? Of course not.

Same with the supermarkets - we'll charge you 5p for a carrier bag because it will put you off using them and therefore save the three-toed Columbian tree frog from extinction. Hmm - nothing to do with making an absolute fortune on plastic bag sales then?

I don't mind saving the environment - I'm all for it - but not if someone else is making a massive profit from my efforts.

Sugar Puffs

I have a very acute sense of smell, and sitting at my desk at work the other day, I mentioned to a colleague that I could smell sugar puffs. She replied that the smell of sugar puffs always reminds her of wee. Funny that, because the smell of wee always reminds me of sugar puffs.

A Nice Juicy Pear

Pears are ripe for exactly one hour. One minute before, and they are rock hard and it's like chewing on a raw potato. One minute after, and you are faced with a blackened mush.