Arsenal (or any other club) Fan: New season starts in a few weeks
Chelsea (or any other club) Fan: Yeah, and your manager's shit.
Arsenal Fan: Well your manager's more shit, and some of your players are shit.
Chelsea Fan: Not only are your players shit, but they cost more than they should have. You was done.
Arsenal Fan: Yeah, but that tackle that one of your player's done was really shit. Should have got a red card.
Chelsea Fan: No way, he got the ball. And your goalie's shit.
Arsenal Fan: Ah, but isn't your manager being sacked? Because he's shit.
Chelsea Fan: No, but I know that one of your players is moving to different club. Cos your club's shit.
Arsenal Fan: I probably know more about football than you.
Chelsea Fan: I definitely know more about football than you. You're shit.
Arsenal Fan: I think I need a shit.
Chelsea Fan: Shit.
Wednesday, 23 July 2008
Monday, 21 July 2008
'Talk rapping'
Remember The Streets? Chances are you might do, as 5 years ago they (or rather he) was a big sensation - the most original talent out of whatever northern town was in favour at the time. With all the hype at the time I was going absolutely spare trying to convince his 'fans' that he was simply talking over music. "No, no," they used to tell me "He's really clever and that. His lyrics are really deep and he's so clever (innit)" Ok, set a drum beat going in your head, and say the following words over the top - don't sing or that would involve a tune.
"So when I looked at you standing there with your hoard,I was waiting in the queue looking at the board, Wondering whether to have a Burger or chips, Or what the shrapnel in my back pocket could afford, When I noticed out the corner of my eye, Looking toward my direction, Your eyes locked onto my course I couldn't concentrate on what I wanted to order, Which cost me my place in the queue I waited for YEAH , I'm not trying to pull you, Even though I would like toI think you are really fit, You're fit but my gosh don't you know it"
Genius huh? Now, can we all accept that simply having a conversation with yourself while a drum beat plays out in the background doesn't constitute talent. That goes for you too Kate Nash. Oh, and Lily Allen while I'm at it. Like The Streets, your days are numbered - make way for Rock And Roll!!! And pop music.
"So when I looked at you standing there with your hoard,I was waiting in the queue looking at the board, Wondering whether to have a Burger or chips, Or what the shrapnel in my back pocket could afford, When I noticed out the corner of my eye, Looking toward my direction, Your eyes locked onto my course I couldn't concentrate on what I wanted to order, Which cost me my place in the queue I waited for YEAH , I'm not trying to pull you, Even though I would like toI think you are really fit, You're fit but my gosh don't you know it"
Genius huh? Now, can we all accept that simply having a conversation with yourself while a drum beat plays out in the background doesn't constitute talent. That goes for you too Kate Nash. Oh, and Lily Allen while I'm at it. Like The Streets, your days are numbered - make way for Rock And Roll!!! And pop music.
Cafes who don't want you to use their salt and pepper
If you don't want me to use salt and pepper in your cafe, I'd prefer you didn't put any out at all, instead of teasing me with a couple of sweaty salt and pepper shakers with grains of rice in to supposedly keep the contents free-flowing. Here's the news - the rice doesn't work, and I have to eat your bland, tasteless food without any hope of seasoning.
Why I don't like Ringo Starr - discuss
Actually, no discussion involved here. Here's the top 10:
1. He still gives the 'peace' symbol like he's stuck in some sixties time-warp.
2. He wears an earring.
3. Upon being asked why he was asked to join the Beatles, he replied "Because I am incredible musician". Well, let's look at the facts. Firstly, being a drummer myself, I would hesitate before calling any drummer a 'musician', and secondly - Yellow Submarine.
4. He has a beard.
5. He wears those sunglasses all the time. Like it's incredibly bright everywhere, or he's in perpetual recovery from some kind of disatrous laser eye-surgery.
5. Beard.
6. He's given himself a stage name based on what is quite possibly the weakest of the crisp family.
7. He just seems to be trying too hard to be liked, when clearly is isn't.
8. He has a beard..
9. And an earring.
10. I really don't like him.
1. He still gives the 'peace' symbol like he's stuck in some sixties time-warp.
2. He wears an earring.
3. Upon being asked why he was asked to join the Beatles, he replied "Because I am incredible musician". Well, let's look at the facts. Firstly, being a drummer myself, I would hesitate before calling any drummer a 'musician', and secondly - Yellow Submarine.
4. He has a beard.
5. He wears those sunglasses all the time. Like it's incredibly bright everywhere, or he's in perpetual recovery from some kind of disatrous laser eye-surgery.
5. Beard.
6. He's given himself a stage name based on what is quite possibly the weakest of the crisp family.
7. He just seems to be trying too hard to be liked, when clearly is isn't.
8. He has a beard..
9. And an earring.
10. I really don't like him.
Pretentious Pronunciations
You will have noticed this - at some point in the mid nineties, 'Porsche' became 'Porsch-a', and to keep up with Clarkson and the like, many of us started adopting what is is probably the correct pronunciation. If you are a German.
If you are British, however, the correct pronunciation of 'Paris' is not 'Par-ee' (the exception to this is being prefixing it with 'gay' in the happy sense of the word), and 'chorizo' is not 'choritho' (unless you have a genuine speech impediment, for which you are of course excused).
Instead of picking a few words at random to pronounce in a foreign language in some misguided attempt to make yourself sound cultured, either say the whole lot in your own language, or go the whole hog and make yourself sound like a complete nob: 'Ah, yez, ah am goin to Paree for ze wikend for to buy zum moules-frites and petits-filous.'
Le cock.
If you are British, however, the correct pronunciation of 'Paris' is not 'Par-ee' (the exception to this is being prefixing it with 'gay' in the happy sense of the word), and 'chorizo' is not 'choritho' (unless you have a genuine speech impediment, for which you are of course excused).
Instead of picking a few words at random to pronounce in a foreign language in some misguided attempt to make yourself sound cultured, either say the whole lot in your own language, or go the whole hog and make yourself sound like a complete nob: 'Ah, yez, ah am goin to Paree for ze wikend for to buy zum moules-frites and petits-filous.'
Le cock.
Diesel Drivers
For years diesel drivers have been sitting in their cars smugly looking down (or across) at petrol drivers for who, until very recently, the costs of running a car have been significantly higher. The cost of buying and servicing a diesel car has always been more than a petrol car, but the cheap fuel and higher mpg has always offset this extra cost. Not any more - the spiralling cost of diesel fuel and the increased fuel efficiency in petrol cars now means that while you lot drive round in your noisy, slow tractors, we petrol heads can cruise past you safe in the knowledge that the grin has been well and truly wiped from your face.
And hybrid drivers don't get off lightly either. It was recently shown (albeit on Top Gear, which is an increasingly self-indulgent and contrived programme these days) that driving a hybrid car at full pelt (which, admittedly, is not that fast), against a BMW M3 at the same speed, showed that the hybrid car was actually less fuel efficient. To quote a Jeremy Kyle chav on hearing that her 17 year old boyfriend's DNA test shows he is the father of her sixth child - "In your face!".
And hybrid drivers don't get off lightly either. It was recently shown (albeit on Top Gear, which is an increasingly self-indulgent and contrived programme these days) that driving a hybrid car at full pelt (which, admittedly, is not that fast), against a BMW M3 at the same speed, showed that the hybrid car was actually less fuel efficient. To quote a Jeremy Kyle chav on hearing that her 17 year old boyfriend's DNA test shows he is the father of her sixth child - "In your face!".
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