Round of Applause

Applause. Sometimes I'm clapping and I look around at the people clapping with me and I wonder what the hell we're doing.

I mean, it's such an effort and it always seems to go on too long. Looking around at my fellow clappers, it seems that not that many people seem particularly happy about having to do it (apart from one or two smart arses who have to have the last or the loudest clap), and we're only doing it because social convention tells us it's the right thing to do.

Now don't get me wrong - I'll happily applaud or stick my fingers in my mouth and whistle loudly if I've seen something truly great. But if you ask yourself how often this happens, it's extremely rare. These days we clap when someone at work does a presentation, when we see a mediocre stage show or a crap band at our local pub. The Americans, gawd bless 'em, even applaud the pilot when a plane lands without bursting into flames. "Yey, we're all alive!"

Does the Captain hear this applause and turn to his co-pilot "Your hear that buddy? High five! Soak it up baby, yeah!! We landed the plane so well, they love us back there! Not like Jim the other day - smashed right into the terminal building and didn't even get a ripple of applause. Loser."

I doubt the Captain hears the applause over the roar of the jet engines on full reverse thrust. In the same way actors can't hear you applaud them when you're in the cinema. Think about it doofus - you're clapping at a projected image on a screen.

So, clapping unnecessarily is annoying for most of us. But for me there's something worse than that. When the show is over, we are all clapping - for what seems like forever. The cast are taking their bows, and we're still clapping. This is when some bright spark at the front decides that standing up and clapping is a much better way to show his appreciation. "Look at me everyone, I appreciate these outstanding performers more than you, and unless you all stand up with me then you're a bunch of socially inadequate cabbages". So we all stand up. And continue clapping until our hands bleed.

If you must clap, how about we limit any applause to five claps per person? Even better, I propose that we adopt the deaf community's way of showing appreciaton - they wave their hands in the air. At least we'd all look like we're enjoying ourselves.